Good Times

I went to the reunion. It turned out to be really fun. I had a really nice time. 

On Friday night, the was a pre-reunion meetup at a local bar. My BFF and I decided to go without the husbands. BFF commented that the bar that was chosen was an odd pick. It was not in the usually bar location in Hometown. We figured we would go. If it really sucked, we would go somewhere else. 

Well, there was about 20 classmates there, some with spouses, some left them behind to watch kids. As I mingled among my classmates, those who are on FB commented that they missed me and were so sorry about the offensive post. Some said that they un-friended the person as well. I was shocked and amazed at the outpouring of support from so many. BFF and I ended up staying the entire time, about midnight. We then went to another place where we debriefed the evening's events. 

The actual reunion was on Saturday. It was a picnic at a local park. Again, there was an outpouring of support for me from those who knew what happened. One of my old friends commented that she was hoping that I would return to FB. She said that she loved my positive posts, especially about running. She said that because of me, she started running and getting fit. Others said what Rebecca and Chicago Foodie Girl said. That wanted me back on FB. I told them that I would give it some thought. 

The rest of the reunion was fun. I laughed, danced, reminisced, and participated in some really bad karaoke. People were not interested in one-upping anyone. People talked about their lives, not bragging, but just great fun to share the good in their lives. And, there was this unspoken understanding that no one would discuss politics or religion. Well, I did talk some social justice with a fellow crusader! 

As I write this, I keep thinking about something my mother-in-law said. "At this stage, people really don't care about one-upping each other. No one has time for that anymore." I guess that's true. It wasn't a brag fest. It was just a group of people sharing memories with each other. No one cared about who has what, or how much one accomplished. It was good times, good music, and good food. Maybe at this stage of our lives, at least for some f us, none of that stuff matters. 

Seeing True Colors

I took another break from Facebook.

During the height of the shootings in Baton Rouge, Minneapolis, and Dallas, a friend posted a very offensive meme. The picture was a group of black men who were part of a Black Lives Matter protest running away from a black child. The caption read "How do you clear a Black Lives Matter protest?" The speech balloon from the child read "Are you my daddy?".

I was sick. I was speechless. I was angry.  I showed the meme to Husband. He asked me "Who the fuck posted THAT? That is so racist and so wrong!" When I told him, he was dumbfounded.  I asked if I was crazy. He said "No. I'm White and I'm offended. But, I'm even more upset that a friend did it."

Never mind the obvious stereotype that such a meme presents. I've helped many White women go after deadbeat White fathers who don't pay for their kids. That is beside the point. This was a purely inappropriate, racist, prejudice, meme that someone I grew up with, spent time in her home, shared secrets, and all the things that teen girls do, posted on her FB page.

It wasn't the first inappropriate comment that I've seen on FB. It's not the first from someone on my friend list either. Many of these have come from people who I grew up with and still remain in my rural hometown. Most of these people have not experienced life beyond the town's boarders except for the occasional trip to the city an hour away or the beaches on the east coast. Those people were quickly un-friended with little afterthought.

But, the meme from my former childhood friend stung big time. Does she think of all Black people in that regard? What does she think of me? Has she always harbored those feelings? How could someone that I've known since middle school think like that while having a friend like ME? I was so disgusted that I un-freinded her. Then, I posted a piece that I would not tolerate any racist, prejudice comments or meme on my timeline. I decided to take a timeout from that space. I honestly needed to regroup and think about what that space is.

My mom went through something similar last year. She ended a friendship with someone that was her best friend for 50 years. In a conversation about some recent crimes in the area, my mother's former friend used the N-word to describe Black people in general. My mom was livid. This person knew that she was in an interracial marriage for 21 years and had two biracial children. My family never used the N-word...ever. My parents would not allow rap music in the house that used the N-word. Needless to say, my mom cussed her former friend out. They have not spoken since. My mother said that some peoples' true colors take time to show. Unfortunately, we are in an environment where this is happening more often. It just hurts more when its someone close to you.

After my exit from Facebook, I received a couple of private messages from people supporting me. I did check my post and a few people commented their support as well. A few suggested that I just un-follow or just pray for them, as if that will make things better. I shouldn't judge their intentions. Maybe people just don't know what to say. Maybe they are afraid to say what they know is true. Maybe they are questioning what they think is right.

I started thinking about my upcoming high school reunion. I seriously considered not going. I didn't want to have deal with a bunch of racist hypocrites. These are the people who are nice to your face. They have "black friends". But when push comes to shove, their true colors shine. At the same time, there are some good people who do not fall into that category, that I would like to see. But boundaries will be set. I will be respectful, should I run into my former friend. But, I will have no other contact with her. She chose to burn that bridge. It can never be rebuilt. If she asks, I will tell her. I will not yell, cuss her out, or anything like that. But, I will let her know what she did has lasting consequences.

As for my return to Facebook, it is to be determined.

Ups and Downs

My weight has gone up a couple of pounds. It's about two pounds within my original goal, but about four pounds higher than my "sweet spot'. That is the weight where I feel my best.

There are a couple of things that could be the reason. One of the downsides to my PT position is the amount of food that in the office. There are a lot of student events that our office sponsors, which means a lot of leftovers. Also, folks bring in all kinds of sweet and tasty treats. Needless to say, it has been a challenge for me to stay on track.  I do my best to ignore the temptation, or to just indulge a little. But damn, it is so hard! I do try to take breaks to go for a walk and I take the stairs as often as possible. Even when it's crazy outside, I will walk the halls, just to get my butt moving.

I have increased the number of days that I run and the distance. I am being mindful of how much the joints can take. I don't run every day; it's more like three days a week. However, I do walk Junior every day. The joints have not been too angry with me. Also, I've increased the number of days that I do yoga. I wonder if that is part of the reason for the weight increase. More muscle? I mean, I'm pretty sculpted right now. 

The other thing that crossed my mind, and this is probably where I will get a little TMI, but my period has returned after a 7 month hiatus. Not uncommon, since I am in the homestretch of my 40's. But, Auntie Flo's return has put me back on that up and down roller coaster with weight gain (Hello...bloating!). 

Lastly, I've been feeling rather sluggish for the past couple of weeks. Even with eating well and exercising, something is "off".  I am eating well; I usually do in the summer. I drink plenty of water. My calorie tracking does not show anything off. I do wonder if with the chaos of the last six months has finally caught up with me. Perhaps the exhaustion is my RA body attacking itself a little harder than it normally does? 

So, I am trying to figure out where to go from here. All of my usual tricks, hacks, and strategies are not working. Or, they are working for a short period and then I bounce back to being in my current state. I shouldn't complain. I still look great. My current size still fits, for the most part. But, I am just not feeling my best. I've scheduled a physical with my PCP, so maybe she will have some insight. Something needs to be done because I have about a month before my final year of coursework for the PhD kicks into high gear. I will need all the energy that I can muster to make it. 

Still Alive

Yes...I am still here. 

OK, so I've been a bad blogger. In my defense, and I need one, the spring semester and early summer were crazy. The last time I wrote, I started a part time job at PhD U. With that job, my adjunct gig at HBCU, nine credit hours, and presenting at two conferences kept me beyond busy. It was the most busy I've been since my law school days. 

I am surprised that the RA did not go into full blown flare and completely knock me out of commission. I did a have a day or two where it was a little rough and I had to take a day off to rest. But, of the most part, the RA cooperated with my intense schedule. Part of the reason was that I made exercise a probity, rather than the first thing to go. I ran and walked with Husband and Junior. I got back into regular yoga practice. Additionally, I ate healthy meals. Husband and I cooked on weekends to ensure there was enough leftovers to get us through until Thursday, which is our dine out night. 

Most importantly, I really listened to my body. If I was tired, I slowed down and took care of myself first. Not an easy thing to do, but it had to be done. I have this awful habit of pushing myself to the point of exhaustion. That exhaustion would ultimately lead not only to an RA flare, but the depression and self loathing that comes with burnout. This time, I said  "NO" to that perfectionist, anxiety-driven voice that leads me down that self destructive path. I had to let some things go and redefine what "Good Enough' meant. "Good Enough" does not mean perfection. It doesn't mean half-assed.  It's when I can objectively say that I've done enough. And, that's good. 

Now that most of the heinousness is over and done, I am getting ready for my last year of coursework with the PhD. I resigned my adjunct position at HBCU. I got a research fellowship in my program, which comes with a full tuition wavier. This means that I Iwill be able to focus on research in my field   No more paying out of pocket for my PhD. No more adjuncting. Once my position in my temporary position ends in August, I will roll right into the fellowship. 

So, that's the short version of where I've been fo the tast couple of months. I didn't include the races I've completed or some other stuff, but I'll save that for later. Truth is, I miss writing in this space, any space really. Hopefully, I will be more proactive about that. 

Portion Control

I haz new job!

I am working in the Education department at PhD U. It is a temporary position until the start of the fall semester, but there is the possibility of it turning into a graduate assistantship. This means I will be even busier that before, with the new job, teaching one class at HBCU, two doctoral classes, and one independent study and research work with Advisor. Oh yeah, and somewhere in that mess, I have to be a wife and a dog mom. And, most importantly, I have to take care of ME!  That is one full plate.

One of the questions that the dean asked me was whether or not I could handle all of that responsibility. I conceded that this is quite a full plate. And, my plate has not been this full since I left Tech College. But, I have learned a great deal over the past 2.5 years of being in a state of transition. One thing I learned actually came from my weight loss journey (two years of maintenance...WOOT!). I learned that one must eat sensible portions to lose and maintain one's weight. Too much of anything will cause overload (or overweight). Too little of anything means you do not have enough fuel, and you crash and burn. I learned that everything in life is about balance. With that in mind, I have trying to set up my life to be in balance with my new job responsibilities.

• Proper rest, eating well, and exercise are non-negotiable. I need to keep myself well, especially if the RA decides to act up, like it did a couple of weeks ago. I don't anticipate any more big flares now that the weather is getting nicer in Elsewhere. But, RA can act up anytime because it can. Keeping myself well is the best defense, but it's not 100%. My new boss knows my situation and totally gets it. 
• I am working on adjustments to my exercise routine. Running and yoga are a part of my life. They keep me fit and sane. Junior is not happy that Mom is gone more, but making sure he gets his exercise when I get my exercise will help both of us. 
• Husband is awesome. He is picking up some of the slack while I adjust to my new routine. We have some practices in place for stuff around the house, so we are good on that front. He also runs with Junior. FYI, Husband is on his own weight loss journey. His goal is to be under 200 lbs by the end of May. He is getting close!
• I've pre-booked my hair, mani/pedi and other girly-girl stuff. First, so that I am not walking around looking like a hot mess. Second, it's my time to take care of ME. I started this last semester of taking off one full day a month, just for me. It has really helped me because I have something fun to look forward to doing. That comes in handy as the semester gets crazy. 
• Thankfully, my job is in the same building as my classes and professors, so I can pop in to see them if I need anything. During the interview process, I front loaded some due dates for my classes. I wanted some breathing room for training. The last two weeks were crazy with papers and presentations. But, those assignments are done and I can coast the rest of the semester...and it's not even midterm yet! 
• My research project with my Advisor is about to go from 0-100 mph. The amended IRB was granted, so Advisor and I will need to get moving because we have about a month before we need to present our preliminary findings. I am excited and nervous about that! 
• Finally, I made some significant changes to my course at HBCU. It's online this semester, which is a good thing. I have lowered the number of deliverables to something more manageable. There is nothing I can do about the ridiculous class size, but I can do something about how much work I have to make for myself.  

Yeah...my plate is full. But this time, I am managing my portions.

Love - Hate Relationship

I started a 12 day prednisone taper the other day. I just could not take the pain and the extreme fatigue that I have experienced for the past week and a half. The fatigue was so bad on Tuesday that I have no idea what my professor was talking about during my qualitative methods class.

I have a love-hate relationship with prednisone. Actually, I have a love-hate relationship with all the meds that I take for RA. All of them have done a good job of keeping the disease from progressing. My pain level is significantly lover. Most days, it's nonexistent. And, I've had fewer flares of the past couple of years. But, there are some serious side effects that I worry about. Prednisone can do some serious damage to the liver and stomach. Enbrel suppresses the immune system, making it easier to contract an infection. Those infections can be fatal, as in the case of Glenn Frey. Enbrel can also cause lymphoma. There are those who blame the meds for Glenn Fry's death. And, they are partially correct. He was allegedly taking one of the biologic meds for RA. He allegedly had pneumonia, which was taking a while to recover.

Of course, I am vigilant with getting my bloodwork done every 10 weeks. In fact, the people at the lab all know me, which comes in handy. I only use a prednisone taper if I absolutely have to do so. The last one I had was a year ago, and that was for a serious sinus infections. I do everything possible to keep myself healthy. My RA doc is amazing and she works with me to keep me in the best health possible.

Yet, I still get scared sometimes. It's not RA that kills you. It is the medications and the other problems that come with RA that can kill you. It's like those commercials you see on TV where the side effects of the medication sound worse than the disease?  As I am in my 19th year of fighting (4 years not knowing and 15 years diagnosed)  RA, I can't help but wonder how much longer my body will be able to handle all that the meds are doing to my body. I try to stay positive by looking at all of the good that resulted from my meds, i.e. running, no disease progression or joint damage. But, it's pretty scary sometimes.

I bet Glenn Frey had the same love-hate relationship with his meds as I do. The meds allowed him to ride the ebb and flow that is RA for a while without, I'm guessing, too much hassle. Maybe, like me, the benefit was greater than the risk. I don't regret taking these meds. I know the good they can do and the harm they can do. I don't think Glenn Frey had regrets either. With RA, it's about survival and living the best life you can.

Love it or hate it, we have to do what we need to do to survive..for as long as we can.

Disconnect

I am three weeks into the semester at PhD U and two weeks in at HBCU. Usually at this stage, I am have a routine and a rhythm  going with my studies, teaching, and everything else that I have to do in my crazy life. However this semester, I feel disconnected. I am struggling to find a routine. I am floundering through all of my responsibilities with little sense of direction.

I think some of it has to do with having a minor RA flare last week. It was not enough to keep me home unable to function. But, it was enough to slow me down enough that I am having trouble refocusing my efforts. Part of the problem with RA is that the flares just zap so much of your energy, including brain function. I like to think of it as walking around in a haze or fog. I suppose it's just part of the body attacking itself, but it sure doesn't help when you need to think about a lot of deep shit. The flare has kept me from exercising, which really helps keep my endorphins bouncing. But, with the pain, I just didn't want to make things worse. So, I did nothing until this past Sunday when I walked briskly on the treadmill for 2 miles.

Also, there is just something different about this semester. I am not sure what it is. I can't put my finger on it. This semester just feels different.  I have a large online class at HBCU, no surprise there. But, I have more than my fair share of students who need my attention. Some in a very legitimate way, such as disability issues, which I am more than happy to accommodate. Having a disability makes me a very sensitive to another person's disability accommodation. I have a lot of students who do not have the money for the textbook, which frustrates me on several fronts and I will save for another post.  But, it's just there are so many that it is making my head spin.

At PhD U, I have two classes and an independent study. One class has a lot of reading. The other has a lot of writing. The independent study is based on my research work with my advisor. We can't do anything until the amended IRB is approved to include me, so I have a little bit of a reprieve, But once it is approved, things are going to happen quickly. We have a conference in March and need to get our data collected and analyzed. But, it's still a lot, and my brain is just trying to catch up. It's just so much stuff to think about.

This morning. I seriously considered taking the day off. Not going to class at PhD U and just taking the day to regroup. But, I have a group project meeting that needs to happen today, so that's out. I am thinking that I spend some time this morning trying to map out a plan before I have to go to campus. Then tomorrow I will take the morning off and regroup a little more.

I know I will get it together. I just need a plan. Being disconnected is just no way to go through life.

On your mark, get set, GO!

The spring semester is in full swing at PhD U and HBCU.

My workload for the PhD is going to be intense. Two courses, an independent study with my advisor (I need to come up with a name for her), and preparing for two conferences with my advisor. Course #1 does not have a lot of deliverables, but a ton of reading. Course #2 has a ton of deliverables and a lot of reading. Advisor and I will be meeting next week to devise a plan for my independent study, which is based on the prep work for our conferences and subsequent paper. At minimum, I want to come up with a way to combine the work in the two courses. One is a topic concentration course and the other is Qualitative Methods II. I think I can make that happen. The independent study is in the wheelhouse of the Topic Concentration course, and my advisor and I will be completing a qualitative study. But, I feel that this may be pushing the envelope too far.

As for HBCU, I am back to teaching the course online for this semester. That is actually a good thing. It save me time, as I do not have to go anywhere. However, I did revamp the course, with fewer deliverables. I have 32 students in the class. That is just too many for any course. I don't want to spend the bulk of my time in grading jail.

I made a promise to myself last week that I wasn't going to make more work for myself, hence the attempt to kill as many birds as possible with the same stone. However, I find myself thinking about cool stuff I could research for my courses or a interesting topic or assessment for my students. I caught myself this morning thinking about an assignment that would be relevant and authentic for my students, but such activity would result in a good amount of prep work and grading. And the students would enjoy...

Stop! Just stop!

I will jot down that idea and set it aside for another semester. I cannot make any more work for myself this semester. I do not want to be burned out or worse, have a flare. I am working out my plan for the semester. Deadlines and commitments..what to leave in, what to leave out.

Time to start running against the wind. 

Tracing Time

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-changes
Pretty soon now you're gonna get older
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can't trace time.

Changes by David Bowie 

Yesterday was my 48th birthday. I am trying to figure out where all that time went. I mean, how did I get to be 48 years old? 

I am trying wrap my mind around the fact that I am knocking on the door of 50. I was ready for my forties. I had no fears about it. For me, my forties was all about embracing the woman that I have become, particularly in the latter part of my forties. I have reconciled some of my insecutites and continue to battle some that will just not die. But 50 is kind of scaring me a little. Husband will be 50 this October. He is dreading it. 

People say that I don't "look" like a 48 year old woman. Yesterday, I had fun playing "Guess my age" with strangers. No one came close. The guesses ranged between 30 and 35. In fact, I got a discount on my coffee because the guy guessed 30. I don't know what 48 is supposed to feel like either. Everyone within my age group talks about having more aches and pains. I experienced aches and pains since I was 32, but that was because of the RA. Otherwise, I have not noticed any new aches and pains. To be honest, I don't know if they would be any different than RA pain. Oh, I have noticed some changes with my lady parts, but I won't go there. 

In all honestly, even with the RA, I am in the best physical and mental shape of my life. Losing the weight and getting exercise has helped. I take good care of my body, especially my skin. Working on the PhD is keeping me mentally sharp, but even if I was still practicing law, I would find a way to keep my brain sharp and smart. Although, I did have a bit of a memory lapse when Husband was talking about the time we saw Bad Company back in the late 1990's. I honestly have no recollection of it. I texted one of my girlfriends who went to the show with us. She remembers it. No, I wasn't drunk or high. I honestly do not remember it! 

Maybe Bowie was right.  

Back to Reality

After some warm temperatures in Elsewhere (almost 80 degrees) during the month of December, January brings more seasonable temperatures in the upper 30's and low 40's. I shouldn't complain since that is probably a heat wave for some folks, especially for my peeps back in Lake Effect Snow Central and my family in Redneckville. But for me, it's cold. This period is relatively short in Elsewhere. In a typical winter, signs of spring start to show up around the end of February. Although with the warmer than usually December, I am wondering if we will be paying for it later.

I worry about the RA in the cold weather. Cold weather is RA's mortal enemy. The joints are not happy at all, as the begin to swell and ache. I often worry about a flare. I can work through a minor flare with rest and OTC meds. But a major flare can result in my being down a a few days or a week,  and can result in using Prednisone to help me through it.

Despite my concerns, Junior and I did our walk outside. Even with the sun shining, it was cold. I had on layers to keep warm. Junior was not phased too much by the chill in the air. German Shepherds are double coated, so he has his own insulated layer. After one mile, I looks at Junior and said "Sorry buddy, but Mom has had enough". Junior was fine with this, as usually a mile is enough to satisfy his walkies fix. I was quite happy to return home. I can feel minor aches in my fingers, knees, and other joints.

They are calling for a little warmer weather later in the week. Hopefully, my joints will be a little happier. Tomorrow; however, I will have to explain to Junior that Mommy cannot go for walkies when it is 30 degrees outside. Daddy will have be on walkies duty!

2016 = Commitment

I don't do resolutions. I prefer to use themes for how I want to live my life in the new year. This year's theme is Commitment. For me, commitment means choosing to do only those things that bring me happiness. Commitment also mean recommitting to the things that I am already doing that make me happy.

What is making me happy is my commitment to fitness by running, walking, and doing yoga. It has helped me keep the weight off (almost two years). It has helped keep the RA in remission. It has helped me keep my mental health demons away. It has been a great stress reliever.  Husband has recommitted to running, and we run together on Sunday's with Junior. It's a great way for us to stay connected while staying active and healthy. 

Another commitment that makes me happy is that once a month, I take a day off from the PhD stuff, teaching, and exercise to do something for me. It usually involves getting my hair done, going to a spa, or going shopping. It's my day to cut loose and just focus on myself. I did this last semester and I found it really helped me recharge my batteries. Once the syllabi for my courses are posted, I will schedule the time off. It really give e something to look forward to, especially when I need the break. 

I am continuing my quest to get rid of anything that is a nuisance. Last year, I organized the entire house, which includes cutting back on how my clutter we have. We now have a good system for keeping things in order. Husband and I made a commitment to cook at home more and eat less crap. I make a big meal on Sunday, which usually lasts until Tuesday. We don't get home until 8 pm on Mondays and Tuesdays, so having the leftovers makes it easier for dinner. I've also stocked the pantry with stuff to make quick and easy meals for the rest of the week. Thursday's are our night out for dinner, which is nice because it's our time to just relax. Plus, it's not as crowded at most places! 

I am also recommitting to backing off of FB. I'm already growing tired of the crap there. 

For new commitments, I want to do more reading for pure pleasure. I read so much highly intellectual and intense stuff for the PhD, that I mess just reading because I want to read. I don't know how I am going to fit it into my already heavy reading load, but I am going to try. 

I'm not sure what new commitments I will be making this year. As long as it brings me happiness, it's all good. 

End of year odds and ends

Last year, my New Year's theme was getting rid of all the nuisances in my life that were interfering with my happiness or keeping me from reaching my goals. I organized every space in our house, getting rid of anything that we did not use. I no longer have a landline. I cleaned out computer files and apps that I didn't need. Husband had to put the antenna project on hold because of work demands, but he thinks he will be able to work on it soon.

 One of the biggest nuisances for me is Facebook. First, it is a huge time suck. I find myself surfing around mindlessly, only to realize that I wasted an hour. With a busy semester ahead of me, I don't have time for that. Second, the drama, other peoples' agendas, and wearing different social masks on FB is just exhausting. Also, there have been a couple of instances in which people have hurt me with their comments. I have debated mentioning this to the offender(s), but I believe it would be a futile effort. What I found during my time away was that I really didn't miss it, except for some of my old bloggy friends and a few people that are close to me. Honestly, it's like watching a soap opera for the first time in 10 years. Same faces, only a little older. Same drama.


I did spend more time on Twitter and even connected with some really cool people. There just isn't the drama...how can there be when you only have 140 characters to bitch and moan? Only a few bloggy people are there and most of them are pseudonymous. There's an unwritten rule that what is said on Twitter, stays on Twitter.

I am also trying to move back into blogging. A couple of bloggy folks are still out there, and I am glad to read their posts. I hope more will comment here too. I am also testing out Tumblr, so I will be cross-posting there too. You can find it at here.

Teaching 2015

In continuing my end of year evaluation, I should mention what is going on with HBCU.

This was the first semester that I taught on campus. For the past two years, I have taught online, so I was quite happy to be back in the classroom. Well, if you have been following any of this on the old blog, you would know that this semester was one of the most challenging semesters I've experienced in a very long time. I had 12 cases of students engaging in academic dishonesty, with four committing two acts which resulted in failure of the course. Many of my students were very disrespectful and would rather spend time texting or playing games on their phones than participate in class. Despite my attempts to engage with them, they were not interested in learning, other than the "Just teach to the test" mentality. On the positive side, I did meet a couple of awesome students who really wanted to learn and be engaged. Unfortunately, they were a small number that was often over powered by the masses.

Needless to say, I was a very frustrated, angry professor. I found myself just going through the motions toward the end of the semester.  The cheating and the caviler attitude of those who cheated offended me to the point that I really took it personally. I was also so hell-bent on making my course cheat-proof that I believe I neglected my students who really wanted to learn.  I didn't like this side of me. I've always been great at engaging students and getting them excited about learning. In retrospect, I think the problem may have been bigger than just my class. There is a culture of this kind of thing at HBCU that developed over a long period of time. It will take a long time to change.

Also, I felt that my department was not supportive in my efforts to deal with the situation. Although my chair and I determined that there was a miscommunication about how to handle the situation, as well as my chair stating his support for me, I am not sure how I feel about whether I want to continue to teach there. My chair thinks I do a great job and does not want me to give up on the students. I believe I am getting to that point, if I am not already there. Not a good thing.

One of my courses for the PhD this semester was in program assessment and evaluation. The concepts in the course made me think about the course that I teach. Am I really meeting course outcomes? Are there course outcomes that don't make sense for the goals of the department?Am I making the activities interesting and authentic? To that end, I am spending part of my semester break doing a full assessment and evaluation of the course and drafting a logic model to help me revise the course. I am actually glad that I am back to teaching online for the spring, as I will have more time to through the revisions without having to deal with traveling to campus. Also, my schedule at PhD U will be very hectic this spring, so being at home will help. Also, I have a new group of student with only two repeat offenders, so I think I will be able to get some good results.

As for my feelings about teaching at HBCU in the future, that is something I will have to work though over time. There are pros and cons to my staying. At this point, I am just waiting and seeing what happens with this course revision. It might be a way to make lemonade, from a whole bunch of lemons.

2015 Fitness Evaluation...Keep on Running

2015 was a good year on the fitness front.

• I completed four 5Ks this year, including the Walk to Cure Arthritis. I ran that one, just to prove to my RA ridden body that this girl can run. My RA doc is very happy and supportive of all of my efforts. I am her poster child for being fit with RA. I never thought I would run again, especially with the RA. But, I am and I'm going to continue to do it until I can't anymore. 
• No major flares with the RA. Plus, my RA doc decreased one of my medications. That is a huge deal! 
• I have dropped eight seconds from my first 5K time. I'm not the fastest one out there, but I'm doing it. I would like to continue to drop my time and do a few more races for 2016.
• I am doing yoga again to help strengthen my muscles and stay sane. I slipped off the yoga mat a little toward the end of the semester, which was not the best idea in the world. I really could have used that zen to help me through the end of semester and holiday heinousness. Note to self...You do a lot better when you are not a stressed out crazy woman, so do the yoga. 
• I have maintained my weight loss, although, I did put on a couple of pounds over the holiday. It's only two pounds over my maximum weight and about five pounds above my happy-weight. I am back on the Lose-it program. I should be back in black by my two year weight loss anniversary in February.
• Husband has lost 20 pounds and has returned to running. He has 25 more pounds to go before he hits his happy weight. He wants to be at the weight he was when he could run 7-8 miles four days a week He would like to have the weight gone before his 50th birthday, which is in October. I must say, he is looking fierce! Also, he is not snoring as much as he used to, which is good news for both of us.
• Junior and I either walk or run four or five days a week. Junior lost 10 pounds, which his vet is very happy about because the poor pup was getting a little chubby.  Junior is very good about making sure that I take him for his walkies/joggies. German Shepherds can be very persistent. 

 Husband and I signed up for Commitment Day, which is a 5K race that is a commitment, or continued commitment in our case, to fitness.We did something similar last year and it really gave us a kick-start for the new year.  Part of our commitment to continued fitness in 2016 is to work toward a major goal. Husband and I want to return to Hawaii for our 25th wedding anniversary in the summer of 2018. I will most likely finish my PhD during that same time. That's when I remembered about an article in Runner's World about a woman who paid herself $1.00 for every mile she ran. She would use the money to treat herself to something special after she completed a race. I told Husband about it. We came up with a plan to pay for our trip by exercising.  We came up with the following:

1 mile run = $1.00
1 mile walk at a brisk pace (<4 mph) = $.50
20-30 minutes of strength training/yoga = $.25

We started on Christmas Day and we already have $15.00 in the pot. It's a good start. 

The fitness mantra for 2016 is Keep on Running!

So this is Christmas for an atheist

As an atheist, most people wonder how I am able to celebrate what is, for many, a religious holiday. Growing up Catholic, I am well versed in all the traditions and rituals of the religious significance of Christmas. But as an atheist, many suggest that I have no business celebrating Christmas. 

I am not going to go into the historical facts about why Christmas is celebrated at this time of year. It is well documented and needs no additional comment from me. And, I will not go into the fact that many non-believers celebrate the secular message of peace and good will that is a part of Christmas. I will; however, tell you how this atheist and her atheist husband spent this Christmas. 

First, we were roused by kisses and snuggles from one very happy German Shepherd, who is grateful for having two humans who recused him four years ago and gave him a loving home. The three of us snuggled together, grateful for being together in a warm house that is filled with love. Then, we went downstairs and opened presents that we gave to each other that were thoughtful and represented how much we love each other.  Afterward, the three of us went to our favorite running path and held our first Christmas 5K run. Although it was cloudy, the weather was warm and not too muggy. We did an easy run, not a race pace. We marveled in the glory of nature and the peacefulness of the woods that surrounds the running path. We smiled and greeted fellow runners and walkers as they passed.  We came home to have a light lunch. We called, texted, and left messages of Christmas cheer to friends on social media. As I write this, we are in the process of making dinner. Mostly likely, there will be a nap, followed by a relaxing evening at home. 

For our atheist family, Christmas is about enjoying time with each other and doing things that bring us peace and joy. Sounds like a nice way to embrace the holiday. 

Merry Christmas!

Christmas Meltdown

I tried...I really did. But once again, my depression got the best of me and I had a meltdown over the weekend.

Long time followers from my days in the Waiting Room know that I have battled depression and anxiety for my entire adult life.  During this time of year, it's not just about the stress of completing work, school, and holiday demands, but there are some very painful holiday memories for me that just make this time of year very difficult. In all honesty, I hate the holiday season. I'd rather hibernate from now until New Year's Day.

I tried to alleviate much of the stress and depression by focusing on positive tasks and memories. This year, I even made sure that I got plenty of exercise in order to keep the endorphin happily bouncing. I even had a massage after I submitted all my work for the PhD. Despite those efforts, I just couldn't keep it together anymore, and I broke down crying on Saturday.

I think part of my meltdown was a release of all the stress from the fall semester. It was a very trying semester, especially at HBCU. The last two weeks of the semester at PhD U was a huge push to finish all the projects and assignments. Also, my mom had a small medical issue that had her worried that the cancer was back. Maybe the meltdown was needed, I don't know.  I was walking around in a state of cat-like readiness that was building up all semester and was in full effect by Thanksgiving. So add those to all the usual feelings that I have this time of year, and I guess a meltdown was inevitable.

On the positive side, if there is such a thing when one has a meltdown, is that I held out as long as I did. The coping mechanisms did help to some extent. When I woke up yesterday, I actually felt a little more at peace. I still have some negative thoughts banging around in my head, but they are not as loud as they once were. We'll see how this week goes.

Learning to Fly

PhD U is sponsoring a conference in the spring. When the call for proposals arrived in my email inbox, I told myself that I would submit something for consideration. But, I would have to wait until after the fall semester insanity ends, because that was my priority. I figured that since the deadline is December 18th, and that I would be finished with all my other work, I would have a solid week to crank something out and submit it.

Yesterday, I started digging around for articles on my topic and thinking of a framework. As I began to read the articles, the words were swimming on the page. I recognized fonts, but not much more. I closed my laptop and said "NOPE" out loud. Even today, I just could bring myself to read anything that required intense concentration or analytical thought.As much as I would love to present at this conference, especially with many PhD U and faculty from other universities in attendance, I just can't do it. I am just to fried right now. I really need some downtime. I need to recharge.

This was a huge thing for me...saying no to an opportunity. I've always had trouble doing that. I have this inner voice, you know, the perfectionist, super-competitive, always trying to prove I am worthy voice that tells me I have to take advantage of opportunities. When I give in, I end up more exhausted and over-committed. This time, I told myself that it is OK not to submit. I have two conference proposals already for next year, with one already accepted. I will be busy enough. It's OK not to do this one. I was also able to shut down the guilt voice that usually is in the background. No guilt, no regrets. I can apply for 2017. I'll be a stronger academic then. Right now, I am still learning to fly.

Evaluation, Part 1

Well, I survived.The fall semester is over with a couple of mouse clicks. Papers and projects submitted to PhDU and grades submitted for HBCU.

On my run this morning, I was thinking about the semester and how everything turned out. I found myself using my advisor's method of giving feedback. She uses the phrases "I liked", "I learned", and "I suggest". It really is an effective means of giving someone positive and negative feedback without feeling like you are being too harsh or just focusing on the good stuff.

With that in mind, I began to evaluation my semester by diving it into three areas: PhDU, HBCU and myself. So here goes part one.

The fall semester at PhDU
This was my first semester as a fully admitted student. I also took two classes instead of one.

I liked: My classes, especially qualitative methods. My instructor for qualitative methods was just amazing. She used the scaffold method to help us build on the poster presentation and final paper.  She kept the class very active, especially for it being at such a late time during the day. I am bummed that she will not be teaching the second half of the course in the spring.

I also like my Assessment and Evaluation Theory course, although I don't think my classmates shared the same feeling. It was one of those courses which required the student to do a great deal of self learning and discovery, something I am used to from being in law school. I don't think my fellow classmates have not experienced or were not used to doing. The project really wasn't too bad, just a lot of sweat labor getting all the pieces together.

I liked that I have the opportunity to work on two research projects with my advisor. The projects are two conference proposals that will ultimately become something that we will submit for publishing. I get second author status, which is super cool. I will receive credit for my work with my advisor, which means one less class I have to take.  It really boosts my confidence that my advisor is confident in my skills and knowledge. One of the proposals was accepted, so now we are waiting on the other conference proposal. Next year is going to be super busy.

I learned: There is a lot more to doing qualitative research than I realized prior to the course. Transcription sucks. I told Husband that he needs to use his computer programming and software engineering skills to come up with software and an app that would make the process less painful. I noticed that my lawyer skills really worked well with drafting interview questions and interviewing participants.

For evaluation theory, I learned that I am actually pretty good at it. I think mainly because I've been though the process as a department chair, but I also think it's part of my personality of constantly wanting to see how things are working. I also learned that I really need to revamp the course that I teach. I used my course as part of a learning activity and I found that I am not hitting the outcomes that I have set. Over the break, I am going to reverse engineer my course.

I learned that I actually know what the hell I am doing with respect to this PhD thing. I have a good grasp of the concepts for my program, thanks in part to my extra reading outside of class, but also because I really like this stuff.

I suggest: I am trying to find a balance between writing like a lawyer and writing like an academic. Writing like a lawyer is very analytical. You are trying prove something and using the law to back up your assertions. No where in legal writing does your personal opinion come into play. To quote Denzel in Training Day, "It's not what you know, it's what you can prove".  I would follow that with what my Constitutional law professor told on day one of class "Check your ego and opinions at the door." Needless to say, my academic writing is very structured and very analytical, and no where do I indicated what I think about the data or theory. If I do put forth an opinion, it is qualified. So, I am working on finding my voice in academic writing. It's a work in progress.

_____________

Overall, It was a good semester at PhDU. I am confident in my work there and I am learning and growing as an academic. I am looking forward to next semester.

Up next, evaluation of my semester at HBCU.

Of Tasks And Elephants

 

 Source: www.edowning.com


Well, I do not want to advocate the eating of elephants, but the old question about how one eats an elephant does make sense. About a month ago, I started using Google Tasks and a related app for my phone and IPad to organize my tasks. Every day, I triage what must be done or what I would like to do. So far, this has kept my anxiety at bay and kept me on schedule with all of my responsibilities.

Now that I am in the time of year where it's a rush to get everything finished, I can feel those familiar pangs of anxiety creeping up on me. Everything is due, stuff for the PhD, grading stuff that my students must submit, submission deadlines for presentations, keeping up with my running schedule, and home responsibilities. I am not going to get into the holiday heinousness. Needless to say, I have several large elephants. In the past, I would just dive in and eating up one major task at a time while ignoring the others. This would cause my stress level to go through the roof, because I was so focused on the one task and now I have this new large task to tackle. Ultimately, I would end up having a major meltdown that would lead to depression. Of course, I would push through the depression, complete everything on my plate, and knock everything out of the park. But, I would be so exhausted in the end that I would feel useless and resentful.

Gorging oneself on on thing is not very healthy. It doesn't give you any energy to tackle the other major tasks. One must exercise portion control, something that I learned during my weight loss journey. Same thing for running a race. You can't use up all your energy at the start. Otherwise, you will have nothing left in the tank for the last kick to the finish line. 

Since no students ever show up for office hours, I took out a legal pad and wrote down all the things I must complete by December 11th. I made columns for each area and put the due date next to each item. I added all the information to my Google Tasks. This morning, I looked at my paper list and my electronic list, picked a task from each column, and set up my tasks in the "Today" colum. I worked on the methodology section of my qualitative methods paper, completed a portion of my program evaluation theory portfolio, graded one assignment from my students, and took Junior for a walk. Somehow, I managed to do some laundry too. I will read a chapter from a book that I am reading for program evaluation tonight. I felt very pleased with the progress and was even more pleased that I was able to keep my anxiety in check. I am not exhausted from my tasks, either mentally or physically.

I'm hoping I can keep this up for the next few weeks, because I really do not want to gorge on elephants.

Sundown

One of my favorite songs is "Sundown" by Gordon Lightfoot. In it, there is a lyric that really resonates with me.

Sometimes I think it's a shame
When I get feeling better when I'm feeling no pain,

This lyric makes me think about how with my RA remission, I have little to no pain in my joints. This is thanks to the medications that I take, losing 53 pounds (less impact on the joints), and exercising on a regular basis.  I am by no means cured. There is no cure for rheumatoid arthritis.

When I feel well, no pain or fatigue, I often forget that my body is attacking my joints and my organs all day, every day. I am running for the first time in a decade and a half.  I never thought I would do that again in my lifetime. My RA doc says that I am her poster child for doing well with the disease.

The thing is, I don't want to forget that I have this disease, even when I am feeling well. It serves as a reminder of how far I have come with the disease. It reminds me to not take my remission for granted. It reminds me that I can do everything I am supposed to do to stay healthy and I can still get a flare. I want to remember that there is no rhyme or reason with this disease. It is what it is, pain or no pain.