Trying

I decided to take today off from most of the world, mostly because the thought of doing anything that requires serious thought isn't happening.

I am doing the PhD thing part time for now. As a second year student, I do have a lot on my plate with classes, teaching at HBCU, doing research for my advisor, and home life with Husband and Junior. Needless to say, I am tired. My brain is fried and foggy. The RA is grumbling  a little, but I think part of that is the change in seasons and that rain is on the way. I am trying not to freak out over what is on my "To Do" list. I keep repeating to myself that I can't do a good job on anything right now.  Honestly, I feel like I am running blind. But, I am trying to do this PhD thing differently.

The difference between Seeking Solace the law school student from 22 years ago and Seeking Solace the PhD student of today is that I am not able to work until the wee-hours of the morning, get about four hours of sleep and go to classes and a part-time job. That Seeking Solace was running blind, stressed and grouchy. Seeking Solace the Lawyer and Seeking Solace the Academic did the same thing. The results were not good.

What's that saying about the definition of insanity?

That being said, PhD Seeking Solace learning to accept that there will be times where everything on my list will not get done. There will be a reading that I just don't have time to complete. It may take an extra day or two to finish grading for students at HBCU. My house will not be as tidy as it once was. I am learning to ask for help when I need it. I may need to take a day off from everything because the RA has decided to make things difficult for me or I just need a break to decompress. This is hard for someone like me who is hard-wired to be a over-achiever-workaholic.

But, I'm trying.

Just Breathe

When I attended my program orientation last month, all I could think about as information that I didn't know during my time as a non-matriculated student was that this shit just got real.

It's not that I didn't take my non-matriculated status seriously. I did. But, I was so consumed with into the program and proving that I could do the work. Now that I am here, there's all this stuff that probably could have been done earlier, that is, if I had known about it. Stuff like that drives me crazy. I hate not knowing where I am going. I like to plan. I like to make contingencies, because as we all know, shit happens. That's one thing that my years as a lawyer has taught me...always be ready for whatever happens.

But, this is different. My academic plan is supposed to be completed by the time I hit a certain number of credits. Well, I am three credits away of the deadline.

And, the anxiety begins to brew...

My advisor is pretty cool about it. "It will get done", she says.

Of course in my type A brain, all I can think is "When am I supposed to do this when I've got coursework, my job and a whole host of crap going on"  I feel as if I am already behind...and I hate being behind.  I hate uncertainty.

OK, breathe...

Tomorrow is supposed to be the day that my advisor and I narrow down a plan on how to get all of this real shit done. I know that once I have a plan and work the plan, I am unstoppable.

I just have to remember to breathe. 

Changes

I decided to end my time in the Waiting Room. It served its purpose. I have grown and changed since launching that blog 10 years ago. It didn't seem right to continue it, given the person that I am now.

I am in a new place in my life and I have begun a new journey toward earning my PhD. My health has improved, thanks to the weight loss and return to fitness. Some of my old demons still try to enter my new world, but I've gotten better at telling them to STFU. It's still a work in progress, but I am on the right path.

I am excited and scared about this new journey. There is some uncertainty attached to it. But, I know that I  need to do this. I will remain forever stuck on the hamster wheel if I don't. Husband and Junior support me. My family back in Redneckville support me. My friends here in PhD University City support me. I have support from some great folks at PhD U. So, there is nothing that can stop me, except me.

Guess I better start climbing.