I tried...I really did. But once again, my depression got the best of me and I had a meltdown over the weekend.
Long time followers from my days in the Waiting Room know that I have battled depression and anxiety for my entire adult life. During this time of year, it's not just about the stress of completing work, school, and holiday demands, but there are some very painful holiday memories for me that just make this time of year very difficult. In all honesty, I hate the holiday season. I'd rather hibernate from now until New Year's Day.
I tried to alleviate much of the stress and depression by focusing on positive tasks and memories. This year, I even made sure that I got plenty of exercise in order to keep the endorphin happily bouncing. I even had a massage after I submitted all my work for the PhD. Despite those efforts, I just couldn't keep it together anymore, and I broke down crying on Saturday.
I think part of my meltdown was a release of all the stress from the fall semester. It was a very trying semester, especially at HBCU. The last two weeks of the semester at PhD U was a huge push to finish all the projects and assignments. Also, my mom had a small medical issue that had her worried that the cancer was back. Maybe the meltdown was needed, I don't know. I was walking around in a
state of cat-like readiness that was building up all semester and was in
full effect by Thanksgiving. So add those to all the usual feelings that I have this time of year, and I guess a meltdown was inevitable.
On the positive side, if there is such a thing when one has a meltdown, is that I held out as long as I did. The coping mechanisms did help to some extent. When I woke up yesterday, I actually felt a little more at peace. I still have some negative thoughts banging around in my head, but they are not as loud as they once were. We'll see how this week goes.